Human Anti-Depressants

When Ernie and I reconnected, his boys were already living in Germany. Because of this, I never had a chance to meet them until we had already been married for almost a month. We knew that, just like every other step in our marital process, this was extremely unconventional and most experts would probably say it was a bad, bad idea. But, because they were so young (Julian, 17 months and Noah, 4 years), we figured that if we waited until they were older for us to get married, it would be even harder to make the transition.

We knew that the boys were very loving, open, and used to change, so we didn't expect there to be too much of an issue. And, amazingly, there really wasn't. Ernie just explained that Daddy and Rachel love each other, and so, she has come to live with Daddy, Noah, and Julian - to be a new part of the family. In no time at all, Noah already could explain that he had two families - Mama, Noah, and Julian were one, and Daddy, Rachel, Noah and Julian were the other.

It made perfect sense to him.

And, things started chugging along just fine right from the get go. Julian and I quickly formed a bond and Noah immediately seemed to be very comfortable with me. We were incredibly lucky to never have the "You're not my MOM!" shouts or the uncomfortable "Why doesn't Mama live here with us, too?" talk. The boys just seemed to get it.

Considering what my life was like just a few months before - single, living in my apartment in downtown Austin, coming and going as I pleased, responsible only for a pair of lazy cats - I was ever so slightly concerned about this jarring entry into wife- and motherhood.

What kind of stepmother would I be? Would I be any good at it? Would I be able to instill in them a love of art, culture, reading, eating, etc.? Would they like me? What happens if I don't like them?

It turns out, that step-parenting really opened my eyes to parts of myself that I didn't realize existed. Deep wells of patience, hidden little sacks of extra super human energy, vast amounts of love to pour out. But, also, it made me see shortcomings. It made me see that even I had limits to hearing the same question over and over.

And over. And over. And over.

That I had a tendency to overstep my step-parental boundaries - to try desperately to have control that wasn't mine to have. To save these children in ways that I saw necessary, but that simply weren't my call. And, that sometimes, I just really don't feel like playing Chutes & Ladders...again.

All of these things were very hard pills to swallow. I liked to imagine that I would be perfect and that Julian would be so advanced that he would be reading his birthday cards on his 2nd birthday and that Noah's favorite hangout would be the local modern art museum. But, alas, step-parenting has taught me that despite my best intentions, they are their own little people with their own little minds and with my limited presence in their lives, there was little I could do to change that. And, the parent most responsible for who they will become is not me. I had to give up in the struggle to make everything just right. I had to recognize that my role in their lives is not as a mind molder, but as someone to be a good influence and another person in their family who loves them more than they will ever know.

Last night, I had them for the first time since Ernie left. We've been alone together many times before, so it wasn't surprising to them that Daddy wasn't here. I was a little afraid, given my slightly fragile emotional state, that I might not have the proper amount of patience or love to give them right this minute. But, in fact, I found the opposite to be true.

They are my two little mini-Ernie's. I found an unknown spring of calm, compassion, and love just bursting from inside of me. Even when Julian threw up on me four times (twice in a crowded room of strangers at a Fasching party), all I could think was how sad I was that he felt so yucky. I found myself being more gentle, more affectionate, and genuinely more in love with them than I ever had before.



They gave me a sense that my family is still here. That I still have two out of three of my sweet boys to love and hug and kiss to my heart's content. They truly brought me more peace and calm and satisfaction than I have had since Ernie left.

Some people may need anti-depressants to cope with a geographic separation like this, but I'll just take these two little guys and a yoga mat, please!