Deutsches Erdbeern

O.M.G. If you haven't had German Strawberries, you have seriously missed out on the 8th Wonder of the World. Super sweet, just a hint of acid, and a texture so buttery it seems almost like a fruit flavored fois gras.



Two words: Hea.Ven.

Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day not only as a new stepmother myself, but it's also the first that I won't be celebrating with my mom. I've moved away from Austin before, but I have always made it a point to be with my mom on this day. I am her only child by birth (she inherited 5 step children when she married my dad), so I know how important it is to her that I am there. And, I've always wanted to be with her on this day.

But this year, it's different. I can't be there this year, but more than ever, I want to be. Having learned so much about what it means to be a parent over the last 9 months, I have found a level of love, respect, and gratitude for my Mother that I have never felt before.

I think that we've all from time to time resented our mothers, asking ourselves, why? Why did she always tell me no for no good reason? Why did she insist on making me learn stupid table etiquette? Why was she so bitchy all the time? It's not that in becoming a parent I've forgotten how crappy these things felt, it's that I now understand them. The reasons she told me no were usually for a good reason, i.e. "No, you can't cut your own hair,", "No, you can't ride the dog,", "No, I will not buy Lucky Charms, Oreo's, and candy bars for you." I learned the stupid table etiquette, which turned out to not be so worthless after all.

And, the reasons she was bitchy sometimes? Hmm, let's see, she had 5 stepchildren, a full time job, she took care of my ailing grandfather and great uncle who were also living with us, she was the primary disciplinarian, we had pets galore, and my brother and I were super active in extracurriculars, which cost money and even more of her time. She refused to serve us shit food, so she cooked dinner every night and packed our lunches every morning. On top of all of this, she devoted so much of her time to my education that I was reading by the age of three.

I think that she deserved to lose her patience sometimes. Actually, I'm amazed that she held it together so well!

I asked her about this time in my childhood, because looking back at it now, I can't imagine how she did it all. And, not only did I survive in the household during this period, this time holds my most beloved childhood memories. Thanksgivings with 20+ people, and of course, she cooked everything. Mom didn't do Turkey Day potluck style. BBQ's with the whole family every weekend. Vacations to Chicago and San Diego. With all of the stress in her life, I asked her how she did it. How did she pull this off? I would have had a panic attack and died under the same conditions. But, she said, in her most relaxed, at ease voice,

"It was just life and I did it all because I wanted to. Believe it or not, they were the best years of my life, too."

Although my mom had shortcomings, as we all do, I truly believe that in motherhood, she excelled. With everything in me, I believe it has been her greatest accomplishment. She overcame whatever issues she may have had as an individual and instilled in me a great sense of confidence, an ability to thrive under pressure, to adapt, to always see the silver lining, and most importantly, she instilled in me an innate sense that I was supremely loved.

Today, I am an incredibly happy, well adjusted woman, married to the man of my dreams (whom she loves almost as much as I do). All of this is in large part a result of her love and unwavering commitment to my lifelong success.

She is still the one who makes me Matzo Ball Soup when I am sick. She is the person I call when I am feeling unsure of myself or when I am so desperately missing my husband. I count on her wisdom when I fear that I am failing my stepchildren. She is the person I call when I am filled with rage, and I just need to get it out. And, when I do, she is there with gentle affirmation that what I'm feeling is ok, and that it will all be better soon.

So, on this Mother's Day, I want her to know how much I love her, how much I appreciate the immense amounts of love she has given me, and how awed I am at her ability to juggle so much, so successfully. You're truly incredible, Mom, and such an inspiration to me on my new path through step motherhood. I love you...

Happy Mother's Day!

Compartmentalization

One of the things that I have learned over the last two months is that the act of mental and emotional compartmentalization is a huge key to success in making it through a deployment. Compartmentalizing can be defined as separating emotions and experiences into individual categories. In this way, you can separate your everyday reality from the 'what ifs'. As a military spouse, this is a skill that, in my opinion, must be learned. Otherwise, every movie where a character is brandishing a weapon, every song about someone dying, every book about sappy teenage love will bring us to tears. It's just not a pretty way to go about life - being triggered by every single little thing.

Being able to separate our own fear for our soldiers down range and the events of our everyday lives is vital. For the last few months, I have been volunteering at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, the first stop for soldiers injured in the war. The first time I went after Ernie deployed, I burst into tears at the sight of a soldier on crutches. The second time I went, I nearly had a panic attack when I saw a Hungarian soldier in a wheelchair. My husband is an avid runner, and all I could think about was how miserable he would be if he couldn't run. How depressed he would get. And, I began to already mourn for the loss of his limbs even though nothing even remotely like this had happened to him. I was stressing myself out needlessly.

At some point, I just detached. I didn't allow myself to draw these connections anymore. Don't get me wrong. It still happens on occasion. It's not a skill that I've absolutely perfected, but it's SO much better. I don't know the process I followed to make this happen. It just did. Maybe it was the way that my brain decided to cope with our situation. However it happened, it's working wonders, and the absolute proof of it's success was evident yesterday.

Part of what I am doing at Landstuhl is shadowing the dietitians through their day to learn what they do. So, yesterday, I shadowed an incredibly knowledgable dietitian who happens to be an expert in trama care. When she told me we would be visiting the ICU, making the rounds with all of the other trama care doctors, I almost told her no. I feared a total emotional breakdown in front of everyone because,

Every patient was a victim of a rocket attack or an IED.

Missing legs, severe Tramatic Brain Injuries, internal bleeding, and broken hips. Everyone unconscious. All of them flown in from places just miles away from my husband.

But, I went.

For some reason, facing the reality of the situation tends to make it easier for me. Watching Restrepo just before Ernie left made me feel more at ease. At least I had an inside look into what his life would be like for the next year, and I knew that his experience wouldn't be NEARLY as bad as those fellas had it in the Korengal Valley.

So, facing these injured soldiers sort of did the same thing for me. Seeing the care that the doctors take for each and every one of them. The incredible amount of diligence, the dedication made to every individual. The amount of time and effort put in by each specialist - whether they specialized in internal medicine, surgery, Dietetics, pharmacology, or otherwise - made me feel safe in knowing that even if the worst happens, my husband would be in very, very good hands.

I was also able to separate the experience of these soldiers from what I know to be true of my husbands' experience. These things haven't happened to him, and I didn't allow myself to play the 'what if' game. When your husband is in a war zone, that is the worst game ever. It will literally drive you insane. I was able to look at these guys from a purely objective standpoint and consider their nutrient needs based on their specific injuries. Thoughts of their mothers, children, or wives never entered my mind.

I had a job to do, skills to learn, and that was what I was focused on. Disallowing those two compartments in my brain - my Ernie and these injured soldiers - to become entangled together allowed me tremendous amounts of mental clarity. Not only was I able to learn so much about the nutritional needs of trama patients, but I was also able to prevent a massive panic attack in front of a sea of professionals.

Even in everyday life, this skill serves us. We can prevent freak outs in front of our children when we put our fears on the shelf until there is a safer time to deal with them. We can be incredibly strong on the phone or in emails with our husbands, and cry later when they can't hear us.

Compartmentalizing is vital to our survival, to our sanity, and to the strength we can bestow upon our families, friends, and perhaps even patients.

The Rest of London

Ok, yes. I know. I am a total jerk for taking so long to finish writing about London. So that I have plenty of time to hang my head in shame whilst standing in the corner, I will keep it to the basics.

EAT:

Besuba Eathai: Three words. Uh.May.Zing. Some of the best affordable Thai food I've ever had. Laura and I visited the Soho location for lunch. The ambiance is dark, modern, and soothing. Communal tables made of the same knobby wood lining the walls makes it feel so cozy. The portion sizes are modest - about the size they actually should be - which was lovely. And, to top it off, the prices were totally reasonable for London standards. When we passed by again around dinner time, a line was already forming out the door around 6pm. Highly recommended, especially if you want good food and don't want to break the bank.

Vitao: According to its website, all kinds of celebrities have dined at this vegan hole-in-the-wall. I was super excited to go as they boast raw foods galore, but when Laura and I got there for dinner, there were only a few unappetizing raw dishes on the buffet. It's a cozy little place (also in Soho) with great people watching out the panoramic windows. The set up is a buffet with set prices depending on the plate size you purchase at lunch. At dinner, there is one plate size and all you can eat for one hour. Let's just say, we were stuffed! I wasn't totally blown away, but for the price and the abundance of veggies (a rarity so far for me in Europe), it was a welcome, yummy meal.

The Hummingbird Bakery: I can easily say this was the best cupcake of my life. No question about it. And, they even carry very yummy gluten free cupcakes that were cheaper than their glutenous friends. You can read more about our experience here on Laura's blog. It's a good thing I don't live in London just because of this place. I don't think I could control myself.



TO DO:

Tate Modern: Definitely the coolest contemporary art museum I have seen. And, it's free - as are all museums in London! If you come to London and don't make it here, you will have missed out on one of the coolest experiences you could have had. It is absolutely mind-blowing.

Amazing exhibit entitled 'Sunflower Seeds' by Chinese artist Ai Weiwei. Containing millions of sunflower seeds hand crafted out of precious porcelain, this exhibit ' invites us to look more closely at the ‘Made in China’ phenomenon and the geo-politics of cultural and economic exchange today'. Read more about the exhibit and the recent incarceration of the artist here.
And, yes those are full sided humans in the back left of the photo. That's how massive this thing was.


The O2: The reason that I initially booked the trip to London is that my favorite band was playing a show at The O2 - the most massive live event arena I've ever seen. Within the compound there are about a kajillion restaurants and the arena itself boasts the best sound system ever. Total and complete aural bliss.

Yoga at The Life Centre: While the Notting Hill studio itself was small and rather dull, I took a class from a really great teacher named Lisa Sanfilippo. She is an American expat with oodles of knowledge in all things Anusara Yoga. Seriously impressive and a really soothing, yet energizing, class.

Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace: Yeah. We did it. It just felt like the right thing to do. I didn't eat fish and chips. I didn't go to a pub. So, I figured I might as well do something touristy. But, as it turns out, unless you get there crazy early, there is nothing to see. The mobs of other tourists have taken over the streets and you mostly just see the backs of other people's heads. But, meh, if you have some extra time, go check it out. I'm all about supporting old school traditions, so I think it's really cool that they still do this after so many years.



This was definitely just my first visit. I will be back. Living in the middle of the German countryside as a lively city girl can get me down from time to time. Germans aren't really known for their outgoing, perky personalities, and I feel like quite an outsider most of the time. But, being in London, I felt at home. It was more than just the common language. I felt comfortable and more safe than I ever have in such a big city. Even after the show at The O2, I rode the Tube and walked home well after midnight, and I felt 100% safe. The people were insanely friendly, and I had so many incredible options at my disposal everyday.

In a perfect world, the pound to dollar conversion rate wouldn't have been almost 2:1, but with the free museums, parks, and great affordable food options, one can definitely do a great trip to London on a budget.

Guess who loves London? THIS gal!

Doing Yoga When It's the Last Thing You Want to Do

One of my dearest friends, and a truly remarkable yogini, recently told me:

When you don't feel like doing yoga, just do down dog.

Olivia (right) and I combining our love of food and yoga.

For the last week or so, I've been super stressed, but I couldn't really put my finger on why. The boys are back with their mom, I don't have a job that I have to report to everyday. I'm sort of a free spirit at the moment, living everyday however I choose. Which is a truly beautiful experience to have, but with it comes surprising amounts of stress.

Everyday I wake up wanting to make the most of the gorgeous sunshine and the time that I have to accomplish all of my goals. I volunteer at Landstuhl a few times a week and need to develop new menu items for them. I'm going back to school in June and need to start applying for scholarships. I have travel plans that need working out, not only for myself, but also for R&R. I have kids that need my love and attention. I have yoga classes to plan and teach. I have cooking to do and massive amounts of yard work to keep up with thanks to our wacky 1/4+ acre yard layout. I have interesting, fun-filled packages to send to my husband. I have a spring garden to till and plant.

As you can see, even without being employed, I have a lot on my plate. Add to that the stress of my husband being in a war zone, and it's really a lot.

I knew that I had been neglecting my yoga practice, feeling as though I just didn't have the time. But, I remembered what Olivia told me. Just making time for a good down dog seemed doable. I dragged my mat out of corner, spread it out in front of our huge picture window with the morning sun beaming in, and I down dogged.

I stayed there for a good 5 min, before I was inspired to move ahead with more poses. I just let the movements go where they would. At first, I started moving into heart opening poses, but I kept returning to my dog. And, I realized that what I really need was to be upside down. I did headstands. I did long, loooong down dogs. Back and forth, back and forth. I even found that transitioning from one pose to the next I was keeping the crown of my head to the ground.

What did this mean?

Inversions energize your heart, lungs, and endocrine system. They re-energize, revitalize, and literally, for just a few minutes, your whole life is turned upside down. I felt like as long as I was in those poses, as long as my head was upside down, the stress of my life didn't exist. I didn't want to come back up for fear that everything would go back to normal, and I would be just as stressed as I was before.

So, I stayed there. I was upside down in various poses for about 20 minutes. And, finally, after a long, full extension of wheel pose, I felt safe. I did savasana, sat up, and felt that my stress had finally melted away.

It was exactly what I needed to move forward with my day without my heart pounding out my chest.

The rest of my day was filled with peace and a sense of focus that I hadn't felt in quite a while. Just taking those few minutes to do my down dog inspired a practice that totally changed my attitude and feelings for the rest of the day. Committing ourselves to an hour long practice in the morning seems daunting and I know that I can easily talk myself out of it. But if we can just commit to doing a down dog every morning, the results can be amazing...

For more info on inversions, read this article so that you know what you are getting into and you know to BE CAREFUL. And, then, check out these step by step instructions on how to do them correctly.

London, Day One: Or, the Importance of Paying 100 Euros for a Good Pair of Shoes

Ernie and I keep each keep a notebook that we write in daily - to tell the other what we have experienced since we can't always talk. On my recent trip to London, I almost filled his notebook with every single ridiculous detail of my days. And, big oopsy on my part, I sent it to him before I wrote this post. So, everything is from memory on this one, Kids. If I forget to mention something that was particularly awesome, I will gather all of those bits in a later post. Anyhoo, without further ado, HERE is London, Day One!

To get to London is super cheap and easy from almost anywhere in Europe thanks to discount carriers like RyanAir. And, by cheap and easy, I mean my one hour flight was 35 Euro (about $50) round trip including taxes! From the airport, I took a bus to Victoria Station, right in the heart of London, for 14 pounds round trip. As I was trying to purchase a local map, I realized that one of the fun things about being an American living in Europe is that for most of the trip, I was juggling 3 different currencies. Ahhh, Globalization...



As fate would have it, another fellow Texan expat, yogi, food blogger, newlywed pal of mine recently moved from Austin to London and was gracious enough to let me stay with her. Laura and her husband were such sweet hosts, and she made sure that I had all the info I needed to have a really great London experience.

On the first day, a Sunday, I was on my own. And, it was ridiculous how much I did. London, being a humongous city, isn't completely closed for business on Sundays as most other European places are. I bought my Oyster Card, an absolute must if you are planning on visiting anything in the city, and jumped on the Tube headed for the Spitalfields Market area. I wandered about and fell in absolute love with the markets and shops in the area. If you are a shopper at all, go here!



While I was in the area, of course, I had to do at least one traditional British thing. I wound up eating a traditional Sunday Roast at The Water Poet on Folgate Street. The ambiance is incredible. The service, impeccable. It's part old school British pub, part jazzy lounge with 6 different spaces for hanging out, all with their own distinct vibe. I ordered a pot of tea while I waited for my food to come out. Honestly, and maybe it's just because I was in England, the tea tasted better than any tea I've had before. Or, maybe I'm just a really bad tea maker...



The food was also pretty dang good, especially for the price. I definitely put the salt to use, but my Lamb Roast with Veggies was cooked to perfection. It was served with what they called Mint Sauce, but it seemed like more of a mint paste to me. The flavor nearly knocked me over, in a good way, I think. I've just never had anything like it before. But, I couldn't stop eating it. So, yeah, I guess I really liked it. Yorkshire Pudding? I'd never had it until I ate it here, but if you ask me, it just seems like a piece of puffy bread. I don't know, you're talking to the gal who doesn't care much for pasta or grains, so maybe someone else would love it. It's just not really my bag...All in all, though, I would definitely go back here again.



After my Sunday Roast, I had to do some walking. I was stuffed. So, I walked south to the London Bridge, took the requisite picture...



...and headed to the tube station. I was going to hit the British Museum and got half way there before I realized I had been up since 2am, and I was exhausted. I jumped off the tube just in time to catch a little nap in Hyde Park. Spring had just hit, and everyone was in the park. Kids on bikes, dogs playing catch, teenagers playing football, elderly couples strolling hand in hand. It was straight out of a movie, I tell you. The park is massive and the lush green grass practically begs you to curl up in it's cool embrace.



Once I had rested, I was off again. This time, I thought I'd just walk home. You know, no big deal. But I had already walked, I don't know, a good 8 miles or so on 2 hours of sleep, and this turned out to be not an awesome choice. It was just a little further than I had hoped - another 45 minutes of walking. But, I saw Buckingham Palace on the way home and got lost in some neighborhoods I might not have otherwise seen. Bonus!



After stopping at the local market for dinner and breakfast for the next day, I stumbled home, showered, warmed up some curry, and ate it while I watched BBC News.

By 8pm, I was in bed.

Yeah, I like to party...

Ignorance and How It Hurts

I had all of these wonderful plans to tell you all about my stellar trip to London this week, but this morning, I woke to see this article in my inbox - sent to me by my husband. I am so filled with rage that writing this has taken priority over my happy little vacation. I promise to inform you shortly about how amazing London is, but in the meantime, I've just got a few things that desperately need to be said.

As a result of a few extreme actions on the part of some very ignorant Americans, my husband is no longer safe. We know that the extremists in this and any religion or dogma can be extremely violent, so why are we doing things to intentionally piss them off? By choosing to not do stupid things, like burn their holy books, we aren't 'giving in' or 'letting them win', we are simply respecting their beliefs as we would expect them to respect ours, or the lack thereof. Going out of our way to show them the finger is no better than them going out of their way to behead us, right Christians? A sin is a sin in the eyes of God, remember? Turn the other cheek ring a bell?

Even if we aren't Christians or any other disciple of a deity, is it not always best to just effing respect the existence of our brothers and sisters on this planet? Forming ignorant opinions of what it means to be a Muslim or a Christian or a Jew or black or white or Mexican (and acting on them) only serves to destroy our species with rapid and pointless speed. Even if it is just simply stating to another like minded person that all Muslims are evil and out to kill Americans, we are perpetuating negative and untrue beliefs. These beliefs lead to actions which lead to deaths.

The point is that none of us knows the truth. We may have faith in this or that, but no one knows for sure. Science (the only basis we have for measuring the truth and existence of anything) hasn't proven a thing when it comes to measuring whose God is better than someone else or whether God even exists.

Until we all can open our eyes to the truth in these statements, soldiers will continue to die under pointless circumstances. Wives and families will continue to lose sleep at night worrying if their soldier will have legs or PTSD when, and if, he comes home.

So, we need to take the upper hand. Stop stooping to the level of uneducated, sheltered, cave dwelling extremists. Stop following their lead in the game of who can disrespect who first and with greater force. When is the last time a fight was ever solved this way? It doesn't even work with toddlers let alone with grown ass men.

Understanding is the key. And, acceptance is even better. If Americans like Terry Jones and other religious fanatics could let go of their dogmatic beliefs, maybe this country could actually lead by example in a positive way - for the sake of our future.

My Newest Travel Obsessions

Knowing that I finally have the chance to explore the world, I have begun to seriously indulge in all things travel related. I've signed up for newsletters, started reading travel memoirs, and been on the lookout for anything to make budget travel even better. Here are some of my latest finds that have me super excited:

1. Wanderfly: If you are anything like me, you may not have an exact idea of where you want to go, but you know what you are willing to spend and what you want to experience. Wanderfly helps you find the best locations based on your criteria. Simply enter your location, your budget, and what you are interested in (food, beach, history, art, etc.), and it hooks you up with a list of your ideal getaway spots, including airfare and hotel prices. With a list of approximately 1,200 cities worldwide, this site is going to be a huge help to me.


2. Travel Hacking Cartel: From the creator of The Art of Non-Conformity, this site offers ways to find free airfare and miles, as well as discount hotel rooms. For a nominal monthly fee, you are given the information to find ridiculous travel deals. The most comforting feature is that they offer a guarantee that you will earn at least 4 free flights a year! Sounds almost too good to be true. I haven't tried it yet, but it's from a very reputable source, so my hopes are high...


3. Scottevest Women's Trench: While reading one of my favorite military spouse blogs, I came across my newest travel clothing obsession.

I know it's almost spring, but if you are traveling anywhere north of Italy, you will still need at least a light jacket for quite a while. This coat offers 18 hidden pockets, two of which are designed to hold a water bottle and and iPad, completely undetected! Knowing how stingy some airlines are about how many bags you take on board (I'm looking at you, RyanAir...), this jacket could be a complete lifesaver. No need for a purse - this jacket has room for cameras, phones, books, magazines, maps, wallets, snacks, keys, water bottles, and lip gloss. Oh, and did I mention it's waterproof?!

4. Exofficio clothing and underwear: One of the hassles that I have met traveling around Europe so far has been the need for extremely compact, easily hand-washable clothing. Before we left Austin, we got Ernie a pair of the boxer briefs and not only do they line dry in a snap, he swears they are the most comfortable underoos of all time. The dresses are super cute, super multifunctional, affordable and wrinkle free.

Psst! And, they are having a HUGE sale right now...

If you have any other awesome travel finds, please feel free to share. Too much information is still never enough when it comes to travel.

Human Anti-Depressants

When Ernie and I reconnected, his boys were already living in Germany. Because of this, I never had a chance to meet them until we had already been married for almost a month. We knew that, just like every other step in our marital process, this was extremely unconventional and most experts would probably say it was a bad, bad idea. But, because they were so young (Julian, 17 months and Noah, 4 years), we figured that if we waited until they were older for us to get married, it would be even harder to make the transition.

We knew that the boys were very loving, open, and used to change, so we didn't expect there to be too much of an issue. And, amazingly, there really wasn't. Ernie just explained that Daddy and Rachel love each other, and so, she has come to live with Daddy, Noah, and Julian - to be a new part of the family. In no time at all, Noah already could explain that he had two families - Mama, Noah, and Julian were one, and Daddy, Rachel, Noah and Julian were the other.

It made perfect sense to him.

And, things started chugging along just fine right from the get go. Julian and I quickly formed a bond and Noah immediately seemed to be very comfortable with me. We were incredibly lucky to never have the "You're not my MOM!" shouts or the uncomfortable "Why doesn't Mama live here with us, too?" talk. The boys just seemed to get it.

Considering what my life was like just a few months before - single, living in my apartment in downtown Austin, coming and going as I pleased, responsible only for a pair of lazy cats - I was ever so slightly concerned about this jarring entry into wife- and motherhood.

What kind of stepmother would I be? Would I be any good at it? Would I be able to instill in them a love of art, culture, reading, eating, etc.? Would they like me? What happens if I don't like them?

It turns out, that step-parenting really opened my eyes to parts of myself that I didn't realize existed. Deep wells of patience, hidden little sacks of extra super human energy, vast amounts of love to pour out. But, also, it made me see shortcomings. It made me see that even I had limits to hearing the same question over and over.

And over. And over. And over.

That I had a tendency to overstep my step-parental boundaries - to try desperately to have control that wasn't mine to have. To save these children in ways that I saw necessary, but that simply weren't my call. And, that sometimes, I just really don't feel like playing Chutes & Ladders...again.

All of these things were very hard pills to swallow. I liked to imagine that I would be perfect and that Julian would be so advanced that he would be reading his birthday cards on his 2nd birthday and that Noah's favorite hangout would be the local modern art museum. But, alas, step-parenting has taught me that despite my best intentions, they are their own little people with their own little minds and with my limited presence in their lives, there was little I could do to change that. And, the parent most responsible for who they will become is not me. I had to give up in the struggle to make everything just right. I had to recognize that my role in their lives is not as a mind molder, but as someone to be a good influence and another person in their family who loves them more than they will ever know.

Last night, I had them for the first time since Ernie left. We've been alone together many times before, so it wasn't surprising to them that Daddy wasn't here. I was a little afraid, given my slightly fragile emotional state, that I might not have the proper amount of patience or love to give them right this minute. But, in fact, I found the opposite to be true.

They are my two little mini-Ernie's. I found an unknown spring of calm, compassion, and love just bursting from inside of me. Even when Julian threw up on me four times (twice in a crowded room of strangers at a Fasching party), all I could think was how sad I was that he felt so yucky. I found myself being more gentle, more affectionate, and genuinely more in love with them than I ever had before.



They gave me a sense that my family is still here. That I still have two out of three of my sweet boys to love and hug and kiss to my heart's content. They truly brought me more peace and calm and satisfaction than I have had since Ernie left.

Some people may need anti-depressants to cope with a geographic separation like this, but I'll just take these two little guys and a yoga mat, please!

It's the Little Things...

Laundry. Such a mundane task. Most people gripe about it - especially when it involves having to do other peoples'. It's one of those unfortunate and necessary evils.

In the past, I've always felt this way. The idea of staying home and spending my days cleaning up after some man just screamed miserable 1950's, pill-popping housewife. I knew that if I married a man who expected that, I'd end up chain smoking Virginia Slims and the marriage would last all of a week - until the laundry needed cleaning and the floors needed mopping. I am a modern woman, for goodness sake. I owned my own business and lived alone and opened my own jars and my own doors. My future was worth more than signing up for a life as a live in maid.

But, when I married Ernie, all of my modern-woman-hear-me-roar talk went out the window. Knowing my stance as the "ultra emancipated woman", he never expected me to do his laundry, clean house, and pick up his dry cleaning. In fact, he sort of enjoys cleaning. He was happy just to be marrying someone that had other things to fill her time.

But, just before we got married, my soon to be mother-in-law gave me a piece of advice that has run through my head almost every day since. She said:

"Always treat your husband as a king, because if you don't, some other woman will."

And, I thought, "Of course! What is the harm in taking care of him in a traditional way? In taking the weight of all the everyday tasks off of his shoulders so that he can focus on his career and on being a better soldier? He would love it! But, oh no! It will probably just make him happier and in turn, our marriage stronger..." What was the point of not doing something so simple as his laundry to make a statement that I am a free woman, not restricted by the rules of traditional marital roles? Doing these tasks would still allow me time to accomplish all of my goals, and it would fulfill that biological womanly need to nurture, to care for my family. But, most importantly, it was a simple, small way that my husband could feel like a king everyday.

Much to my surprise, I found that taking care of him in this very primitive, very traditional way was more satisfying than anything I have ever done. It has triggered something in my brain that gives me the ultimate feeling of satisfaction - like my life has a definite purpose, and that purpose is to bring ease, joy, and comfort to the lives of the people that I love most.

Which is why, when I was doing the laundry yesterday, I had a total melt down.

I found myself smelling every piece of clothing lying around the bedroom, completely unable to throw the ones that still smell like him, into the laundry basket. It felt as if washing those clothes, folding them and putting them away would be the ultimate sign that he was gone.

Not having his crumpled undershirts lying on the floor seems unbearable.

The fact that his belt is still weaved through the loops of his pants makes it feel like he just took them off, and that he's still here somehow. Maybe he just slipped into a different pair of jeans and is out for a few moments to pick up a paper and a coffee for me. Maybe he's down in the basement, rooting through his Army gear. Either way, it still feels like he's here when I see his clothes lying about.



As I was sobbing and folding his clothes that I did manage to clean, I was so upset knowing that this would be the last time for a long, long time that I would be taking care of him in this usual way. That it would be many months before he opens his closet to see that I have spent a small part of my day trying to let him know that he has a wife who worships him.

But then I thought, how can I feel better about this? If having his dirty pants on the windowsill makes me feel better, what is the harm in leaving them there? What is the damage done by having these little pieces of him, these little reminders that he will be right back? They don't smell. They don't obstruct a walkway.

And, so, I decided to keep them there.


I decided that, when I am ready, I can toss them in the wash, fold them, and put them away. But, if I never get there, it's totally okay. The goal is to thrive through this deployment, and if a couple of dirty shirts, a pair of socks, and some cargo pants helps me get there, then their new home is on the windowsill.

Finding Strength Through Yoga

A few weeks ago, I had finally reached my tipping point. It had been five months since my last yoga class in English, and I was about to go mad. I hopped online, trying to find a local English speaking teacher, an American or Brit doing an intensive or workshop within an 8 hour radius - anything to get my fix.

Much to my delight, I found an incredible Anusara-inspired teacher in Munich named Barbra Noh. She is an Australian expat, and every Wednesday, she teaches an intermediate class in English! I was so excited that I booked a room at a hostel, filled up my gas tank, and drove 6 hours to Munich. Crazy, I know. Even other yogis thought I was crazy. But, try going five months without a class, and I guarantee you will practically be willing to sell a limb to make it happen.

Well, maybe not really. I mean triangle pose would be pretty difficult without a leg...

Anyhoo, I got to Munich, settled into my room, and set out to explore. I ate a light meal at a lovely little cafe called the Cafe am Beethovenplatz and then, headed to Air Yoga - the most beautiful yoga studio I have ever seen.

The class was incredible. Even better than I had hoped for. The inspiration for the class was finding strength within ourselves, so that, in turn, we can be strong enough for others. The saying goes that one can only love others as much as they can love themselves, and that is what this class aimed to prove. At first, it didn't really resound with me. I already give. I already volunteer. What could this class possibly teach me that I didn't already know?

But, as I was standing in an 85 degree room, an hour into an already really challenging class, I was standing, shaking, and sweating in Warrior III. We had already been balancing on one leg for what felt like 5 minutes, moving in and out of poses. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just stand there and wait for her to lead us to something more comfortable. But, then she made a statement that changed everything.

She said, "If you can't be strong enough to hold this pose for yourself right now, be strong enough to hold it for someone who needs you."

I tightened up and held the strongest asana I've ever held in my life. And, then, I lost it. I sobbed my way through the next 5 or 6 poses. I realized in that moment that even when I want to give up, when I feel like I don't have the strength to keep going, I HAVE to. For my husband when he is scared and homesick. For our kids, when they wonder why Daddy STILL isn't home. I need to be the one who stays strong and holds everyone up, because quite simply sometimes, they just can't.

I realized that I didn't want to hold that Warrior III, not because I couldn't, but because it was uncomfortable. My leg wasn't going to break. I wasn't in danger. I just didn't want to. And, in times of war, we don't have the luxury to quit when it becomes uncomfortable. We find the strength that we didn't know we were capable of, and we charge on. We become the warrior we didn't know we could be.

After this class, I am a changed woman - a stronger woman. A stronger wife. I've taken this theory away from the mat and tried to implement it into my daily life. It's made the first few days of the deployment so much easier, because I know that I have the strength to make it though this, even if it is uncomfortable.

Goals Throughout the Deployment

One of the things that I have heard constantly from so many military spouses is the importance of setting goals for oneself to help the time fly by faster during deployments. Every New Year's Day for the past five years, I have written down my life goals, reassessed ones that I have made in previous years, and checked off ones that I have accomplished. However, I almost never set a time limit; They are simply goals-to-achieve-before-I-die-type goals.

But, now, I have a time limit. Ernie will only be gone for a year, and we will only be living in Europe for another 2+ years. I've got some time on my hands, and I've got a lot of goals. Hopefully, these will keep me busy and worry-free - for the most part:

• Maintain a super strong marriage and send my husband letters & presents weekly.
• Do my best to ensure that Julian speaks English when Ernie comes home.
• Create an even stronger bond with both boys.
  
• Yoga every morning.
• Walk, hike, or run outside everyday.
  
• Go to at least 2 yoga intensives or workshops.
• Pay off our credit card.
• Become conversational in German.
• Hit every major city in Germany by train.
• Read 2 books a month.
  
• Take one trip to a different country every month.
• Work on farms in Germany and Spain through WWOOF. (Stay in Spain for a month)
• Plant an herb garden.
• Grow, pickle, and preserve a jar of Ernie's favorite peppers. (I have to win this bet!)
  
• Ride a bike through the tulips in Holland.
  
• Start college full time starting at the beginning of the summer session. Between Pell Grants and scholarships, no money should be paid out of pocket for this.
• Stage at an incredible restaurant, preferably with a Michelin star.
• Volunteer at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center with the Nutrition Care Center.
• Post 5 days a week (total) to this blog and The Friendly Kitchen

Alright, Kids. Here we go!

And, The Soldier Has Exited the Building

The last few days has been a whirlwind. Fits of tears, fits of laughter.

Luckily, Ernie is Mr. Always-Pack-Way-In-Advance-and-Pack-Way-More-Than-You-Might-Need-Just-In-Case. This meant that, while the house was a disaster for a few weeks, we were able to enjoy our last few days together without the stress of making sure that everything was packed.

On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday we had the boys one last time before the deployment. We played like crazy people and were all exhausted beyond belief by Thursday evening. Friday morning, Daddy got dressed in his uniform and said goodbye to his boys for the last time. Luckily, at these ages, almost 2 and 4.5, they have no concept of what it means to be gone for so long. At the ripe, young age of 4.5, Noah has already been though one deployment and so many months of training, that he easily accepts the explanation - "Daddy is going away to work for a long, long time" - in stride. There were quick, tearless hugs and kisses and a few photos, and Daddy was out the door. The boys went back to playing, and I patted myself on the back for holding it together.




Because, goodness knows, my throat and eyes were burning. It was one more final step towards the inevitable.

Saturday, we ran some last minute errands - grabbed some snacks for his flight, finished getting all of our financial and logistical ducks in a row. I made Bison Enchiladas, rice, beans, pico de gallo, and calabacitas for our last homemade dinner together. I'm pretty sure the only food request Ernie has ever made is for vats of Pico de Gallo to be ever present in the fridge. So, when he requested Enchiladas, I was on mission. Making Enchiladas in Germany is not as easy as you might think. Good tortillas, tomatillos, poblanos - forget it. Your never going to find them. But, between the commissary and the German grocery stores, I was able to find ingredients that worked. And, I had a happy, happy husband...

Sunday. Our last day together. The only other request that Ernie made was that Sunday be spent at our favorite spa in Landstuhl called Cubo. This place is awesome! We have been going every week for the last month, so we absolutely had to make one more stop. We spent our final day together, hanging out in saunas, steam rooms, jacuzzi pools, and eating great spa food. We rested beside each other, reading the paper in our chaise lounges. It was one of those days where images of us were forever impressed upon my brain, and I know that I will recall them throughout the deployment for strength. I was so happy that he had one last chance to be pampered and to relax. And, that we had the opportunity to just BE, together.

We came home, made phone calls to the family, ate too much chocolate, and tried to stifle tears. Trying to remain positive, we talked about how great this experience is going to be for us: for each of us to achieve our individual goals, to stay connected through letters & journals & fun packages, to get ahead on our finances. We snuggled up for a whopping 2 hours of sleep, and then, at 2am, we loaded up the car and headed to post. We sat together - half napping, half chatting - in the car until the buses came to load everyone up. We had the Hollywood goodbye scene - me sobbing, him stoic and reassuring. And, then we were off - onto our own paths, yet still very much connected.

Ernie strength is so incredible in situations like these. His positive attitude has helped so much in helping me cope with this - my first deployment. Every word that comes out of his mouth is so reassuring. Of course, I know that he will miss home like the day is long, but somehow he manages to hold onto the bright side so tightly. And, because of this, I am able to be strong for him. He gave me tips on focusing on my goals, focusing on the mission, so that the sadness doesn't take over. I will miss everything about him with every fiber of my being, but it's easier knowing that our next step together will be him coming home instead of him leaving. It gives us something to look forward to.

And, that is invaluable.